Goodbye Vancouver & Hello Hatchline

I officially welcome myself back after a long hiatus. I apologize for what must have seemed like an abrupt stop, especially in the middle of such great sports news. My explanation for my sudden disappearance is that I was on a Reality T.V. show called The Sing Off. If you missed it, here’s a link of my group in action. Around my last post, I signed a contract that required me to cease all publications throughout the duration of the show, defined as from the day I signed the contract to 60 days after the show’s last episode aired, which would have been the end of February. So Hatchline is officially back, and with that, let’s hit the most relevant topic, the Olympics.

I was saddened to realize that I’d miss the entire conclusion of all things Football and the entr’acte of the NBA; but more than anything I was mortified that I’d miss covering the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games. As of yesterday, no more Downhill. No more Halfpipe. No more Speed Skating. No more Nordic Combined. No more hockey (wait, isn’t there an NHL?). And most importantly, no more curling. We (the USA for my international readers… are you out there?) end the medal race with nearly unprecedented 37 overall medals, but lose the gold race to Canadia and Germanica, who won 14 and 10 respectively. We only had a measly 9. I’m incredibly disappointed. Although if you think about it, Apollo Anton Ohno was DQed (would’ve been gold); Lindsey Vonn fell twice (2 golds); our near defeat of Canadia’s men’s Ice Hockey team almost means more to us then their “By the skin of their cocky ‘we own the podium’ teeth” gold means to them (1 more for us); and one of Canadia’s medals was in Ice Dancing (pointless. Minus 1 gold for the Maple Leaves), so in fact, we really tied. Yeah North America!

Seriously though, I love the Winter Olympic Games. I really do. But are these really the best ATHLETES in the world? Sure, I couldn’t do any of them, as well as they could, but can’t we all agree that practically every sport in the winter Olympics is 75% equipment/25% skill or talent? Note how I italicized practically. Not every event is, with the biggest exception being Hockey and Ice Skating (not Ice Dancing though, take the jumps out and it’s just pointless). I’ve got a buddy of mine who says “Gimme 6 weeks and I can medal in any Winter Sport.” While that may not really be true, how much talent do you need to hop in a cart and slide down an ice shute? I mean c’mon, some of the Nordic guys had beer bellies! One of the curlers from Finland or some other crazy cold European place was pregnant! PREGNANT!? And these are the best “Athletes” in the world? C’mon man!

Look, here’s my point in a nutshell, the Winter Olympics has an incredibly small competition base in comparison to the Summer Olympics. In every sport there are three things you need: Talent, Equipment, Money. No matter what sport it is, a large percentage of the competition is made up of rich people who have the $$$ to pay for snowboards, lift tickets, travel to and from the mountain, and a home in Aspen. Do you think 10-year-old Ussain Bolt needed to pay for anything like that growing up? Maybe a pair of shoes, but then he’d just go out and run. The BEST ATHLETES in the world are the ones that are pulled from a gigantic competition base. There is more competition in the game of Soccer (Futbol) than there is in practically any other sport, making the best in soccer some of the most athletic in the world. All you need is a ball and two Pepsi cans. In order to rise to the top of that sport, they’ve got to be the best out of hundreds of thousands of people, while the best speed skater only needs to be the best out of hundreds.

Let’s do an eyeball test, shall we? In my opinion, Figure Skating is arguably the most athletic competition in the Winter Olympics. It has the least equipment-to-skill/talent ratio of all the sports in the Winter Games, and plus, many of the men can do 4 full rotations in the air standing flat-footed. That’s pretty darn impressive right? Now lets take the top two American figure skaters, Evan Lysacek and Johnny Weir, and put them next to the top two American NBA/Olympic Gold Medalists athletes, Kobe Bryant and LeBron James. It’s a no brainer right? Not even close. And while I certainly don’t agree that I could have a 6 week head start and medal in any Winter Olympic sport, my buddies and I are trying to get the local ice rink to paint some curling circles on the ice. Hello Team USA 2014!



PS. The opening ceremonies were stupid.